Inconcessus Meditatio
by MelloModo
Summary: During a quiet conversation in a darkened room, forbidden topics are broached and a hand is extended. Some questions don't have answers, and maybe that hurts more than it should. Zemyx.


A/N: Yes, that's right. It's another one of those fics where two nobodies have a conversation about their 'hearts or lack there of' and 'feelings or lack there of'. Yes, that's right ANOTHER one. It's only been done like a hundred times before, right? Well, you know what? I don't care. Shut up. Screw you.

More seriously: Yes I know the idea is over done but the way I see it is, it's overdone for a reason. That reason being is that it's a great idea with lots of potential. After all, there are a hundred different ways you can take it depending on the view of the writer. Besides that, I needed to write _something_. I love writing but I haven't done any in months and those were essays for school. I haven't done anything like this in… over a year now, I think. So, yeah I'm rusty. Not to mention I'm writing this at three AM. Those are my excuses and I'm stickin' to 'em!

By the way, in case you were wondering the title means 'Forbidden Ponderings' in Latin. Or at least… so says the online translator. Uh yeah… I couldn't come up with anything better than that…

Disclaimer: ………Don't even talk to me………

Dedicated to ME! 'Cause I rock and I know it, even if no one else does.

The gentle scent of still night air over the ocean roused Zexion from his studies long before the tentative knock on his door disturbed the stillness.

"Do you need something, IX?"

"I… uh… Wanted to talk to you about something."

Zexion considered this for a moment. He really wasn't in the mood for idle chatter, particularly when he was so busy researching for Vexen and he's latest experiment. On the other hand, Demyx had been acting strange of late and the hesitant quality of his normally bright voice and the delicate furrow in his brow as the water wielder shyly peaked around the door implied the chatter to follow would not be 'idle' at all. He supposed he could have tried to lay the boy off on one of the other-perhaps less busy-members but the Organization's number IX got pushed around enough as it was. Demyx sounded nervous enough to be approaching Zexion with whatever was on his mind; sending him off to one of the other less courteous and more volatile members probably wouldn't be the best of ideas.

He sighed. "Well then, come in. Or do you intended to speak with me through the door?"

The inquiry was met with a slight jerk and the tinting of pale cheeks. Quickly, as if worried his superior might change his mind, Demyx stepped inside shutting the door behind him.

After a couple of minuets of listening to the awkward shuffling of boots against carpet and the whispery hiss of fidgety, glove-clad hands, Zexion suppressed an upward twitch of his lips and instead arched a delicate eyebrow.

"There is research to be done number IX. I don't have all day."

The sitarist lowered his head, abashed. "Uh… Oh! I'm sorry. It's no big deal, really. I'll just… let you get back to your work, yeah? S-sorry."

Realizing his words came off more harshly than intended Zexion softened his gaze. "Don't be. I don't mind speaking with you in the slightest. I only meant to ask you to go ahead and tell me whatever's on your mind." He gestured at the bed. "Sit and talk to me."

Settling down carefully, Demyx ventured a smile in his superior's direction. "Thanks Zexy." He muttered softly.

It was a mark of Zexion's confusion, curiosity, and what perhaps would have been concern had he been capable of such, that he didn't utter a word against that despicable nickname. All such feelings, or pseudo-feelings rather, were certainly warranted. Something was obviously bothering the blonde. The normally bright, loud Nobodies' sudden dulcet tones and shy demeanor in place of his regular bubbly one was… disquieting, the shyness in particular.

However much it had irked him at first, Zexion had long since gotten use to and perhaps, in his weaker moments, even grown fond of the sitarist's friendly, blunt manner and frequent affection gestures. Normally Demyx was anything but shy around him, always throwing slender arms around his shoulders accompanied by explosive cries of "Zexy!" and following the scientist around chattering about some nonsense or another.

Zexion had no idea why the younger member had become so taken with him. It's not as if he'd ever shown any kindness or friendliness towards the bubble headed musician, but then again he'd never been cruel either. The others on the other hand………

As much as he isolated himself from the rest of the organization, no matter how long he holed himself up in his room or the library to get some peace and quiet, he couldn't avoid hearing what went on between the other members. And from the bits and pieces he'd picked up over time, well………

Perhaps his calm, if cold acceptance of the sitarist presence had seemed terribly kind after his being used as a verbal and physical punching bag for the rest of them. The idea made Zexion twitch a bit. After all, it's not like he was trying to be nice to the boy. He was simply non-violent and polite by nature. If Demyx had taken a liking or what have you to the older nobody because of it, well, Zexion certainly didn't deserve it.

"Zexy…? Zexy? Am I-am I bothering you…? I could just leave…?"

"No, my apologies Number IX. I was thinking. Please, continue."

Demyx nodded slightly, seeming to relax a bit. "Thinking, huh?" He sighed. "I've been doing a lot of that lately."

"Oh,_ really_? Haveyou now?" Zexion answered in the best teasing tone he could muster. A tiny voice that sounded frighteningly like his other's urged him to a least try to be kinder to the other nobody but it had been a while.

Slightly startled blue eyes flickered up at him. When the gaze was held evenly and without threat, a smile spread and then almost as quickly disappeared again. "Um, Zexy? Do you think we'll ever get our hearts back?"

Zexion's gaze sharpened a bit. He should have expected a question like that. "There are an infinite amount of possible futures and outcomes for everything, IX. It all depends on the choices made not only by you, but also by all of the creatures on all of the different worlds. So, perhaps we will and perhaps we wont." His brow furrowed a bit when he received a surprised look. "What?"

"Uh, nothing. I just thought you'd say no."

Zexion didn't know what to say to that.

"Do you think we have an afterlife? If we don't get our hearts in time, I mean."

"The dead cannot be brought back to the land of the living, and thusly there's no way to tell. I don't even know if there's an afterlife for those with hearts."

"Not religious?"

"I'm a man of science, IX"

This was greeted with a soft smile. "Yeah, I know." Zexion was oddly pleased to fine that all of the pervious tension seemed to have drained from the musician's body. He was still very serious but he no longer seemed nervous or hesitant with his words. "You know, Xemnas is always going on about how we're nobody and nothing and about how we need our hearts back but…"

"But?"

"Do we even really know what a heart is?"

"Well, of course it's a muscle in the chest that pumps-"

"I know _that_. I guess what I mean is: Do we really know what we've lost?"

For a moment they were both silent then, "I'm afraid I don't understand your question, Number IX."

Demyx seemed to be struggling with himself. "I mean we have that. We have that or we'd be dead. What Xemnas says we're missing is our mega…. Meta…."

"Metaphorical?"

A faint blush flushed his cheeks. "Uh, yeah. We're supposedly missing our metaphorical hearts, right? 'Cause he says we can't feel."

'Supposedly', 'he says', Zexion realized where this conversation was headed and in a sudden rush of something warm, found he wanted it to go there.

"What's missing then? It's not our hearts, not really. The heart has nothing to do with emotions; it's just a muscle, yeah? So, what's missing? What's wrong? Something is, that's obvious. Because we fade when we die, because we're different, because we're not like them, because I feel empty, because………" Demyx's voice faded off leaving the rustling of his cloak around his stuttering shoulders the only sound in the darkened room.

And something about the helplessness of those stutters, something about the gentle downward curve of his neck as he lowered his head, something about the vulnerability of his suddenly harsh breaths attracted Zexion, drew him in, in a way that nothing had done in a long time. And because of this attraction, this draw, for the first time in forever, Zexion removed his hands from his books, his research and onto the warmth of another's flesh. Demyx lifted his tearstained face at the gentle touch.

"What's missing, Zexion? What is it? What's wrong?"

"I don't know. Something's missing, yes. But, perhaps it's not wrong. Perhaps it's just another way of being."

The next words came out as a pained whisper. "But it hurts, Zexy, it hurts."

"I know, but maybe… Maybe that's okay. Knowledge can be gained and joys appreciated more amongst suffering you know." Here Zexion hesitated. A man of facts by nature he'd never dabbled in this sort of thing before but… "And as for the fact that we fade, as for the question of an afterlife… Perhaps it doesn't matter, or shouldn't at least. Whatever happens later we have the now and the here and perhaps that's enough. We all die eventually, we can't do anything about that and so, maybe it's best not to worry about that and just to do the best we can with the here and the now."

Demyx nodded slowly. "Yeah… I can… I can believe that."

Zexion nodded along with him. "We'll keep fighting to get back our hearts, or whatever it is we've lost but…" He shook his head. "I don't know, Demyx, I just don't know." He blinked when a slow, lovely smile spread over the younger nobodies face. "What?"

"You called me Demyx. You've never done that before."

"Would you rather I not?"

"No! No. 'Course not!"

Zexion nodded. "I thought as much."

The trembling had long since stopped but suddenly Demyx seemed to be steeling himself for something. "Zexion…?"

"Yes?"

"Nobodies are definitely missing something, yeah?"

"We established that, yes."

"But it's not our hearts."

"That to has been established, Demyx. Have you not been listening?" Zexion answered, long forgotten amusement creeping into his voice. How lovely it was to experience it again.

"Yeah. So… then…" Blue eyes shifted and gloved hands clenched over Zexion's convulsively. "Can we feel?"

"Yes." A surprised look. "What?"

"I thought you'd say no."

"Demyx, I thought you of all people would know we can feel."

"I-I though I could. I mean…." Demyx slowly interwove his fingers with his superiors and looked up into his face. "I know I could. I just… didn't think anyone else thought so. The others…"

"The others are painfully idiotic, Demyx. And the ones that aren't would go along with any nonsense the Superior spewed to protect themselves." Zexion shook his head slightly. "Just the fact that Organization XIII exists proves we can feel. To work for something you have to want it, you have to care about it and to want, to care you have to able to feel, yes?"

"Well, yeah I guess. I've never thought about it like that before."

"You haven't? What convinced you we could feel, then?"

Demyx smiled rather sheepishly. "I just felt stuff… And so I knew I must be able to feel stuff."

Zexion chuckled softly. "I suppose that's reasonable if not scientific."

The sitarist pouted a little at that. "He-ey! You were saying some stuff that wasn't entirely scientific earlier Mr. Science Man."

Another chuckle. "Point taken."

"You know…" A pause. "Thanks. Just… Thanks. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"Your quite welcome. I enjoyed it to be honest and even if I hadn't, I owed it to you."

Demyx's expression turned incredulous. "Owed it to me?"

"Yes, for the less than kind way I've treated you in the past. You didn't deserve that."

The incredulous stare quickly shifted into honest bewilderment. "What do you mean, Zexy? You've been the nicest to me out of everyone."

"Yes, but that's not hard to do considering the company around here. Weather you think so or not I have been far less kind than I should have been. I mean to make amends for it."

Demyx seemed honestly confused. "If you say so. You've been so nice to me though."

"Well, I intend to be much nicer from now on."

It wasn't like the clichés in books, they were perfectly well aware of how close their mouths were getting, perfectly aware and not nervous at all. When they were only inches apart, Demyx smiled softly. "Yeah, I guess that'd be a real good idea now that we know we both feel, right?"

"Why is that?"

"Because, now we can feel together."

Zexion's next words came as a whisper directly into his mouth. "Yes, yes that's right.

"That's right."

A/N: Well… crap. That didn't turn out how I wanted it to at all. Of course, my stories never do, so I'm kind of use to it. Still frustrating though. The idea from which all this sprung from in the first place didn't even make it in. Stupid fingers… They have a mind of their own.

Whatever, maybe I'll just write another fic with the same premises and get it in, in that one. That's right, ANOTHER one. Original aren't I? Well… I figure this plot bunny had already been beaten to death by the time I've written this, so I might as well beat it some more, right? It's not like I can do any more damage to the poor overused thing.

Apologies and excuses time! I'm really sorry about any grammar/spelling mistakes I may have made. It's late and I'm never been good at that stuff anyway. Feel free to point out anything you see wrong, I wont be offended. In fact I'd very much appreciate the input. I'm also sorry about the ending seeming a bit forced. Zemyx is my OTP and thus it had to be there but… I don't know. I just don't know… Well, whatever. This whole thing was forced really. I've been suffering (and I do mean _suffering_) with writers block for about a year now. I'm just glad I wrote anything no matter how crappy.

By the way, I do believe everything written here. Both the stuff about nobodies and the philosophical/religious/deep thinking stuff. I blame the fact that the latter, especially the whole 'live in the here and the now' stuff, slipped into the story on the fact that I was listening to my RENT soundtrack as I wrote this. If you've never seen RENT, the live musical or the movie, I insist that you do so immediately. It's beautiful, really. No day but today, man. No day but today.

(Do I talk a lot or what? Sorry about that.)


End file.
